I am more.
Thursday, February 25, 2021
Good morning spark friends.
I have been a nurse for 13 years. All of them in LTC, except that 3 month span when I thought to be a " real nurse" I worked in the hospital. I hated the hospital. I like working in the nursing home. I love KNOWING my patients. Not just their healthissues but all about their lives. I love hearing their stores. I love being a source of love, joy and comfort to them. Since COVID started last March ( crazy its been almost a year) I have seen the shift in the mental health of my patients. It has been hard. It has effected me. When COVID finally found its way in to our facility it was devastating. It was hard. It effected me. I got COVID in December. I was quarantined for Christmas. It was hard. It effected me.
My mental health for the better part of 8 weeks was a complete disaster. I cried ALOT. I had been doing remote learning with my children to help keep my patients safe. My children felt my sadness in a raw way. It was hard to help them learn when all I wanted to do was sleep and cry. My husband asked if I was going to harm myself. I NEVER felt that way but I had to voice that to him. I guess that's what it looked like from the outside looking in.
I decided I want OUT of nursing. That alone sent me for a loop. I love nursing, I love caring for others. I used to say it is exactly what the Lord designed me for. So how do you rectify what you know the Lord designed you for and this overwhelming sadness that is weighing on top of you because of that perfect design???
I chose movement. Literally forcing myself to get up and start something, anything. I started to force my thinking in a different direction. I read daily devotionals about gratitude. I remember the places the Lord has brought me from time and time again. I returned to spark people. Since I don't do social media spark people is connection. It's is the most amazing website of encouragement I have ever seen. I started to try to be resent in the moment. I'm 3 weeks into living again. I am so thankful.
As I write this I still want out of nursing but it doesn't feel like the end of the world. The Lord has this He knows me, He knows the places He wants me. I trust His plan way MORE than I trust my own. Today I will continue with movement until He directs my next step.
I am more than a nurse and I'm ok with that.