Still struggling with weight gain
Sunday, September 27, 2020
I guess I need to be accountable. But it's hard. I am still homeless, still dealing with an unstable man in my community who has strangely decided to make me his enemy and try to destroy my life (for no clear reason whatsoever - he was a total stranger to me only a few months ago), and I'm still under an extreme amount of stress. Because of my serious illness, I lack the ability to make energy from my cells. And so... every time I need energy or mental clarity, to handle mountains of scary paperwork, or try to move my stuff again, or try to get anything done - much less to exercise - I have not found anything that works the way overeating works. I'm barely sleeping, and starting to shake all the time from the stress. So, yes, I did lose a little weight since my last post. I lost 11lbs. And then, in the last few days, I suddenly gained 7 of them back. ARGH!
I swear, I am trying to find a balance. But my life is very out of balance. I feel very alone. And I'm kind of angry at myself for ending up in this place in my life, yet again - it's not the first time I've ended up out on the street. My house was destroyed in a flood. And it is not my fault that this man is nuts. And the world is crazy, and we all feel stress from that - so that does not make me unique. But, I tend to blame myself every time anything goes wrong. Especially major things. And so here I am again.
So I think literally I am just trying to write something to avoid stress eating. I would like to lose 20lbs. It feels like a mountain I can't possibly climb - not after losing 75lbs already, and how totally exhausting that was! I know it could likely take me a full year of work, and I dread having to do anything more exhausting, because I am so exhausted already!
Have I listed enough excuses yet? lol I'm grateful to have access to internet, and to a semi-functioning computer. I'm grateful at the moment to have a roof over my head, even though I don't belong here, and will need to move on eventually when my friend comes back to her home from being out of town. I'm grateful that in this moment, I am ok, not in the middle of a war zone, not in the middle of being physically attacked by anyone, not in the hospital, not actually starving. At the moment, I am ok. I might not feel ok inside, but I am ok. I will have to keep reminding myself of that. If I felt ok, I know the constant need to eat junk would subside. I know it is just a panic reaction, because I feel so tired, and so lonely, and so self-hating that I kind of want to sabotage myself, to punish myself. I can't keep making these excuses that junk food is way cheaper and more available for me. It's also certainly not true that if I buy it, I can abstain from eating it... not in this moment, anyway. I just end up freaking out, and binging.
I am very fortunate, and very grateful, to have access to a treadmill here, and I am using it pretty much every day. But I am still managing to hold onto all this extra fat, anyway. Every day I wake up, weigh myself, and feel so sad, because I failed again.
I am supposed to see someone soon who hasn't seen me in 6 months, and I'm afraid they'll see me and think I'm fat now. I don't want to gain a single lb back, much less as many as I have! I did so well keeping it all off for a while... but this stress is such a killer.
So it's not like I don't know how to lose. I am just so exhausted, so sick, so frustrated, so miserable... and kind of can't get the motivation up enough, consistently enough, to actually lose the weight. You know how this is - I can get really dedicated to it, for like 36 hours.... and then if I don't lose anything, or I have a bad stressful moment, I freak out and eat again. It would be almost funny it's so predictable, except I'm not exactly laughing at the moment.
I need to figure out where I plan to live. I need to figure out if I ever want to have a relationship, ever again. I need to figure out what I'm going to do with my life - if anything. And so, losing a lb/kg at a time, in the midst of all that, feels so superficial and pointless. Everything feels so life-and-death in this moment, and it's really hard to pay attention to smaller things, like avoiding late-night eating (which is really the hardest for me, because I can manage to do everything right all day, and then blow it all up in the span of the last 2 hours before bed).
So this is whiny. But all I feel like doing is whining at this moment! Maybe if I wrote more, I would eat less. I feel disconnected from everyone, and don't really want to talk to anyone. I just want to avoid thinking about reality as much as possible, for as many hours/day as possible. I don't have energy to work, or do anything useful. I had a life-threatening kidney infection due to all this about 2 months ago, and I'm really grateful I managed to heal from that! That was super painful, and exhausting, and pretty scary. But now... I kinda just want to forget everything, watch some streaming TV, and eat the frozen pizza I bought with the change I found on the street. *Sigh.* I would like to be a better person. Sometimes I just don't feel like I have the strength.
I am grateful, that for today at least, I have kept off the 5lbs/2kg I lost since the last blog entry. I would love to think this last 7lbs/3kg I gained this week is just food weight... but I kinda doubt it. I think I might have to start all over again and lose the same weight I've already lost and gained like 50 times over the course of my life. When I die, I wonder whether all of this up and down will have been worth it?