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Friday, September 25, 2020

So many changes this year. Some good, some full of sorrow, and some that are a sign of growth and moving forward.

I very foolishly married right after high school, to a man I met 4 months prior. He was stationed at the Marine Base near my home and was 5 years older than me. He seemed so mature, and I was subconsciously looking for a way to leave Hawaii. I completely ignored the warning signs and jumped in without a second thought. We married in July, he was discharged from the corps at the end of the month, and by the middle of August, we were living in his hometown in Texas. I found out I was pregnant at the end of August, around the same time I caught him sleeping with his ex-wife. *1st warning sign; married and divorced with 1 child before age 21. We got into a huge fight, and he went off and got drunk. *2nd Warning sign; history of alcohol related disciplinary actions while in the corps including confinement to barracks and loss of driving privileges on base. I got sick, had to go to an emergency room, and he had his friend’s wife take me. Now his hometown was in an area that was high in industrial pollutants (this was 1988) and the air quality was NASTY. I has a sore throat and sinus congestion so bad; I was sleeping up-right with my mouth open to breathe. When the doctor examined me, he was concerned that I had Diphtheria, of all things!! (If I had been older and more aware, I would have realized that I had had a Tdap booster earlier that year, and was protected from catching Diphtheria) We were staying at the friend’s house, and when she heard what the doctor said, the friend’s wife asked me to leave. She was concerned for her child’s health. (I believe he was about 18-24 months old, so I don’t blame her.) The final straw was when he dropped me off at his mother’s house, and then left to go back to the friend’s. (They were drinking buddies.) *3rd warning sign; lack of personal responsibility. I left him at the end of September and made my way to my aunt’s house in Utah. I gave birth to our son and managed to save up enough for a one-way ticket back home, where my large extended family would be able to help me raise him. At one point, I initiated divorce proceedings, but didn’t have the money to finish, and had hired an attorney that basically took my money and then retired for medical reasons. So, I have basic been living in limbo, while he has gone on blissfully with his life. He reached out a time or two; first via chat rooms, then social media. I told him to divorce me, but he ignored the fact that we are still legally married, and remarried not just once, but twice. As I am looking at retirement within the next 10 years, I realized that I really need to break free, once and for all. I worked for my retirement savings and I do not want him to have any legal claim to it. I want to really move forward with my life, knowing if I do by chance meet someone, I can pursue a relationship. Losing Arri this past February has made me realize I can’t keep putting important things on the back burner; if I want something, I need to actively work towards it, not just say, “Someday.” I will sign my divorce papers this coming Monday, finally closing a chapter that should have ended a LONG time ago, opening a new one that will hopefully include more family time, both here in Hawaii and in Utah.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Thanks for sharing your story. You were always a strong person, so please pat yourself on the back. And telling your story is a great way to start healing. I might suggest a fiction book I just read. It’s The Lost and Found Bookshop by Susan Wiggs. The strong character, a single mother reminds me of you. Happy ending
    after struggles and great tragedy. You are on your way! I will definitely add you to my prayer list.
    196 days ago
    Very proud of you for getting away from that bad situation. A rough road was in front of you but look how far you have come. You are very smart and I wish only the best for your future. emoticon
    198 days ago
    Happy that you loved yourself enough to do this. By all means, you need to protect your assets up to and including putting them in the name of a loved one until your ex is totally out of your life. Here if you need anything.

    Prayers Sent!
    199 days ago
    Hugs. Your story shows how strong you were from the very beginning. You left for Utah immediately. Some would have given him thousands of chances and would have repeated that pain over and over. Good for you for making the right choice. I do not know how Arri is , but prayers for that pain. I wish you well.
    200 days ago
    201 days ago
    I'm glad that you are making that final choice for you and you alone. Sending hugs!
    201 days ago
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