One Step Forward...
Thursday, August 29, 2019
So done today. In spite of all the good things going on in my life right now: Elsa settling well into HS and rocking it on the volleyball court and FINALLY getting orthotics for horrifically overprinted ankles at 14, my relationship with hubby getting even stronger after 26 years together, finally dying my hair a vivid blue (always wanted to), one of my first kiddos who has been so successful in so many ways settling into a librarian position (so awesome when I was her school librarian and she used to come into the library as a calm, safe space when life was getting hard as a kid), my big brother a year cancer free...
I'm feeling trapped and stuck. I cannot teach right now. My brain won't work well enough long enough for even a part time shift. I cannot work any job right now. Same reason.
Okay. We're on a really tight budget but we're making it. I'm home. All day every day. For the most part, so is Brad. Brad is keeping up on some of the outside stuff that has to get done. I am keeping up on NOTHING. I haven't drawn or painted in over a week. I've had to come back to this post several times because, even though I'm touch typing (can't focus well enough or see clearly enough to read), just the composition part of it is building my headache. Laundry is backing up. Dishes are backing up. My house is a mess. My eyes won't focus. Last night's Back to School Night Brad almost took me home right after the initial meeting in the gym because the echoey sounds were overwhelming and my RLS was through the roof. I can't go to Elsa's game today because I'm so overloaded still.
Before I mention the next bit, I need all to understand that, while conscious, these kinds of thoughts are at best, distant and, at worst, a "yeah. Not doing that but I can see the logical attraction." I slept most of last night but the bulk of the dreams (I have always remembered the basics of my dreams the next day if not the details) were of me finding ways to commit suicide. As I said, not something I would consider while conscious. In fact, that's how I knew I'd started to wake up - when the dream's plot shifted to someone being able to talk me out of it or me changing to WANTING someone to talk me out of it. That said, I find it DISTURBING that my subconscious was suddenly willing to go there! I have NEVER had dreams of this sort.
For those wondering why I didn't let Brad take me home last night.
1) Brad's hearing problems mean he gets very little info out of any conversation where there is ambient noise in the room. We would've gotten nothing out of the night as, even echoey and a sensory nightmare, I understood more than he did in the gym. This would be why I had sunglasses on but not earplugs in. SOMEone had to hear what was being said.
2)One of the positives of not being able to work is that I'm not working during the hours of these meetings (and her games). I want to be Mom. I signed on to be Mom and I'm not giving up any more of it than I have to. Going to her tournament last Saturday and her game on Tuesday, even with earplugs might not have meant I couldn't handle today's if it weren't for last night but cheering her on is the fun side of Mom and I signed on for ALL sides when I chose to have a second child. She's got her dad this time. He will be there cheering on his Bug. With both of us home, she has more of both parents than her sister got and I will just have to remember that and let go a bit.
I'm trying to end every blog on a positive note in the hopes of letting some of it go for a while with each blog so here goes.
•I have an amazing, empathetic husband. When I'm coherent and calm, Brad makes sure to engage me on light, dreaming conversations about what we want to do with the yard and property so that I can both feel like an active, intelligent participant in my life AND talk/think about something other than my symptoms for a while. He personally dyed my hair blue and went out of his way to make it have highlights and gradients to be extra awesome. He is actively pushing past some of his anxieties to be there for the kiddo and he's starting to be able to relax and enjoy those times with her far more. They are doing a lot of the bonding 4 1/2 years living apart (work) made difficult.
•I am finding ways to still help the kid with her homework and assignments even when my brain is not at it's strongest.
•I have loving, supportive friends who see my limitations and look for ways to interact with me around them without making a big deal of having to. That means so much.