Friday, April 03, 2015
I wish I could say I'm doing "well," but I'm at least doing "okay." I didn't gain this week. I didn't lose, either, but I did maintain. Even though I'm in a challenge and my goal was 10 lbs in 10 weeks, I'm okay with just maintaining after gaining 3 lbs last week. We kind of "fell off the wagon," getting pizza from our favorite place, drinking soda, and not exercising enough. I was sick during it, but that didn't really matter. It was more a mental thing, I think. I've been really unmotivated, really unfocused, and really emotional lately. We're getting back on track, though. We made a bunch of healthy dinners for the week, with lots of veggies, lean protein, and fiber-y carbs. Trying not to have too much on the carby end, though.
I've been doing Sudoku puzzles to try and help my focus and concentration. I've been having a lot of trouble finding words, keeping on task, and remembering things. I had to call my psych nurse today because I lost the paper scrip she gave me; and I kept having these long pauses during the message because I couldn't think of the right words. I actually had to call twice because the first time I forgot to say which scrip I needed. I feel like an idiot, and it's really difficult to want to take care of myself in the tried-and-true ways that we've developed. I have this general low-grade sadness, even going into spring when we're getting a couple of nice days. I talked to my brother some this week, and it helped a bit. He lives in FL, and I miss him a lot. We have a relationship that I really don't have with anyone else, but he's incredibly stressed with family life, and trying to find a new job; and I have a lot of trouble talking on the phone...so we don't get to talk much. I had really bad insomnia this week, and sent him a text at something like 4am, so we ended up texting back and forth the next day.
My partner is also really helpful, but I can tell that sometimes I really grate on his nerves, and his patience. Sometimes when I'm having trouble thinking of what I want to say, he thinks I'm avoiding talking about something, and he gets really frustrated/angry when I won't talk about something that's bothering me. Especially when I, basically, won't let myself figure out what it is. I've been stuttering more lately, too, and I get really frustrated trying to talk when that happens.
I'm not really going anywhere with this. In short, we fell off track in food and exercise, and we're working on getting back to it. I'm sleeping kind of erratically, and trying to do something about that, too. I can't tell which of those issues is affecting my mood and cognitive stuff so much, but it's really probably a mix of everything. Hopefully in upcoming weeks things will get better, and easier.