Tears wash away the glue...
Thursday, November 03, 2011
35 pounds. I've been stuck since September. I even gained a few back and lost them again, but I haven't been lower than 35 pounds lost.
It's been one of those days. I woke up and knew it was going to be a horrible day. And, it was. Life gets overwhelming sometimes, though this past weekend definitely helped. I reconnected with a friend, actually the ex that broke up with me in August that ended up texting me in September to make sure I made it to NC but then said he still didn't want to talk to me anymore. We spent a full 24 hours together and he went along with me to my Halloween party, and it was amazing. That man has been one of the biggest factors in my own motivation. He's so accepting of me and my flaws, inside and out, how can you not feel better about yourself and WANT to do better for yourself? But then today I had a small falling out with another friend, thoughts of it being the month of my late mother's birth and death dates (one week apart, no less) and the upcoming holiday...I've cried. Today I have cried a lot, randomly through the day. So I've been catching up on some dvr shows since I can't sleep and it's Dr. Oz talking about cheap and easy ways to cut spending on healthy items and a few tricks people used for weight loss. This consuming thought flooded through me...it's time. It's time for me. My divorce will be final in January, so only 2 short months. I have my whole life to rebuild. It's time for me. I might not be at my ideal weight yet, in fact I still have 25 pounds to go. But I rocked a corset as part of my Halloween costume over the weekend, barhopping with friends. The yells from strangers out of their car windows and "piece of meat" stares were amazing. And with each one, my friend stood a little closer, at one point was holding my hand, another I was sitting and he was hovering over me as if he was claiming me. It's time for me to feel great no matter who I'm with or what I'm doing. I don't even care if I lose more weight this year, I have time. 35 pounds for someone with a serious metabolic disorder is a huge deal anyway. The tears today washed away that glue that was holding me down to these thoughts that I'm still a few steps away from being able to make a difference for myself. No...I'm a few steps away from being DONE making a difference.
So now, it's me time. No more being the one everyone unloads their problems on without a single consideration of me, no more wondering if it even matters. I matter, if not to anyone else but myself. And in time, I will love myself again and be proud of who I am. I am proud of what I've done, the changes I've made to better my life, now to complete the steps to the path of my great journey in life.